Your Mistakes - My Five Pet Peeves
I really want to help you. Chances are that you seem less intelligent than you think you are. Chances are that you commonly make a buffoon of yourself by making one of the following mistakes that I’m gonna discuss in this article. It might be a little uncomfortable at first, but it’s for your own good. On the bright side, if you already have command of the issues that I’m about to write about then you’ll feel the very same intellectual superiority that I feel as I write it. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s a good thing. I realize that all language is relative and that words can have multiple meanings and blah blah blah, but I have to say that if you make the following mistakes consistently in front of me, I’m gonna be annoyed. It’s not a huge deal. I mean, I will probably still like you- just not as much.
So here is a list of 5 of my biggest pet peeves that come from common misconceptions. If you want me to like you more, please read and adapt.
1. Pluralizing Store Names
Many a store has a name that ends with an s. Randalls. Dillard’s. McDonald’s. All these end with with our favorite letter from Words With Friends. However If you want to go shopping at Krogers, buy a book from Barnes & Nobles, or purchase a set of cheesy yet motivational posters from Mardels, you better not be hungry, need to read, or want to be motivated anytime soon because those stores don’t exist. These stores DO NOT END IN S! Please stop pronouncing them in such a way.
*Another similar pet peeve, but does not quite fall into this category, has to do with a small town in Texas that has a big heart for water-slidery. New Braunfels has one s and it is at the end of the name. People who say New BraunSfels make me want to master-blast their face in.
2. Double Parking
This is also not double parking.
This will be short. Merriam-Webster says that double parking is “to park (a vehicle) beside a row of vehicles already parked parallel to the curb.” It just means to park someone in so that they cannot get out. The Eclipse with the butterfly tramp-stamp taking up 2 spaces in front of Abercrombie is not double parking. She’s just bad at parking.
3. I Could Care Less
If you could care less, that means you at least care a little. Are you going to finish reading and share this article? I could care less. Are you still mad/embarrassed that you fit the driving stereotype from #2? I couldn’t care less. You may find it interesting that by putting a “not” in the phrase, the meaning is actually rendered opposite. Get it together, people.
4. A Combover
I hear this one mostly from younger people, so if you are sophisticated enough to read a blog that features articles on Zombie tv shows, Hobbits, and how The Return of the Jedi should have ended, then you are probably already on the same (web)page as me. Occasionally when I part my hair to the side(similar to my style in 5th grade, but with less hair product) someone will make a comment like “Nice combover!” If I was going to have a combover, it would be anything but nice, and you would probably have to put the word “uncle” before my name whenever I was referred to. In order to have a combover, one would have to have a bald spot. To hide that bald spot, one would comb over his(or her?) hair. See how that works? Well, don’t be fooled- it doesn’t really work that well to hide anything, but you get the idea. I’m not bald, so I don’t have a combover. Even when I part my hair to the side.
I have seen countless facebook posts and tweets featuring the word ‘apart.’ Unfortunately, they all mean the exact opposite of what they actually read. Apart means the opposite of a part! Doesn’t anyone else see this??? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!! If you are proud to be apart of your championship team then you better send your ring back because that means you are NOT part of it!
I realize that by broadcasting my nit-picking annoyances to the world(or at least to the 5 or 6 avid readers of mostlyaccurate.com) I am opening myself up to tons of criticism. I’m sure all you italics and quotation mark freaks could have a field day dissecting this post. Please refrain from posting corrections or criticisms, as they may drive me into a spiral of depression and self-loathing. Please feel free to comment on the following:
What are your pet peeves that are not mentioned here? Post your poison. Raising awareness can make the world a better and less aggravating place.
Feel free to argue with Chris in the comments or on Twitter.