Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas. You may doing some driving over the next few months while traveling to see family, friends and enemies. If so, please read about these 5 different people that are ruining the roadways. You'll either agree with the outrage that is described below or you'll be educated out of your irritating ignorance. Either way, if you would like to make the world a better place, please share these 5 things via Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, Linkedin, Instagram, Path, App.net, Xanga, Live Journal Hootsuite, Buffer, Letter, Telegram, Telegraph or yard sign. Together we can change the driving habits of Americans everywhere and make the world a happier place.
1. Left Lane Loser
In college, while traversing Highway 290 between Austin and Houston some of my college friends coined this term. The "Left Lane Loser" is the person that drives in the left lane....all the time. Even though there are signs all over Texas highways that say "left lane for passing only" these people think they are better than everyone else and that gives them exclusive right to drive in the left lane as though it were there personal circle driveway. That wouldn't be the end of the world, but these people are never driving very fast. While the rest of us are using the left lane for passing, they are using it to drive Miss Daisy. This causes all kinds of slowdowns on 4 lane roads. When everyone is driving 72 miles an hour in the left lane and passing all the 65 mile an hour drivers in the right lane and then all of the sudden they come up on the Left Lane Loser driving 65 this causes a driving dilemma, do you stay behind the LLL or do you pass on the right. If there is plenty of room to pass on the right, go for it! However, if there is any chance you don't have room in the right lane to pass be patient, otherwise you might become the worst of all driving villains, the..........
2. Right Lane Daredevil Jerk
This dude sees that things are going slowly in the left lane and is so arrogant that he thinks that everyone else is too stupid to realize that the right lane is WIDE OPEN! So he floors it like he's Burt Reynolds in Stroker Ace. Of course, he realizes too late that everyone else isn't an idiot, and all of the sudden he's stuck in the right lane while all the people in left lane that he was so eager to pass start passing him. This is when he transforms from arrogant moron into offensive, dangerous, jerk. He realizes his poor decision making and attempts to make up for it by becoming an inconsiderate, dangerous lunatic. To accomplish this transformation he decides that even though everyone is driving over 60 mph in a giant contraption weighing over a metric ton, he is going to slide his car in between two cars in the left lane that are separated by less than the length of his car. This subsequently causes every car behind them to have to jam on their brakes, thus causing a chain reaction. This is the driving equivalent of cutting in line at Space Mountain, and should be punishable by being forced to watch 24 hours of Big 10 football. Seriously, if you do this, everyone wants to fight you, right now.
3. Right Lane Ignorance
For this next offense, we depart from highway driving to address grievances that happen from around town. (We also change our tense to the second person for some reason) When you are driving on a 2 or 3 lane road that has lots of stoplights on it please refrain from using the right lane unless you are soon to be making a right turn. It is a fact that most people in the right lane are about to turn right, maybe even at the next stop light. If you persist on driving in the right lane all the time, you are impeding their ability to turn right and thus expedite their trip to Target for those much needed new boxer briefs. So, if you find yourself approaching a stop light in the right lane, and you are sure you're not turning right at this particular light, quickly and safely change lanes so that other people might be able to get where they are going, and you won't get flipped off nearly as often. If you realize you've committed this particular driving sin too late, there is still a chance for redemption. Pull your car forward as far as can without impeding cross traffic, this MAY create enough space for the minivan behind you to slip past and make that right turn on a red light.
4. When turning into a parking lot, use your signal
So you've stayed in the right lane because you're turning into the parking lot of your favorite establishment. There's a decent chance that someone in that parking lot is trying to leave. This will help you, because you're going to get to park in their former space. As you approach the entrance to this parking lot you slow down. However, you fail to put on your turn signal so the guy trying to leave the parking lot will know it's safe to make his escape. You've failed. Why do you hate society? Turn on your signal! That way that poor sap who has been waiting for a break in the traffic to make his way to the Piggly Wiggly will save himself 10 seconds and an incalculable amount of mental frustration. We're trying to have a civilization here.
5. No matter what, don't come to a stop while entering the freeway
For the love of all that is good and holy, when entering a freeway don't come to a complete stop. This is madness! On ramps are designed for you to accelerate rapidly so that you can get on the freeway and merge seamlessly into traffic. The last thing you should be doing is stepping on the brake, much less coming to a complete stop. For some reason this is an epidemic in Austin on the lower levels of I-35 near the University of Texas campus. If you stop on an on ramp you are literally a menace to all those around you.
Have more tips you want to add to this list? Feel free to add them in the comments below.
Also, don't forget to share this on all your social networks so together we can change the world!
If you feel educated or exonerated by this list, check out an earlier post to see if you are annoying people or not.